My New Year’s Resolution Is To Not Make Any More Resolutions

by Jessica Delfino

I am not making any resolutions this year because every time I make a resolution I fail miserably at keeping it.

Resolutions are for people with time and money. I have no time, I have no money. You know what I do have? I have some shitty thrift store clothes and a second hand guitar. I have a couple of zany newspaper boy caps and a few sweat stained tee-shirts. I have a small apartment filled with things I found in the garbage. And as far as time goes, shit, I don’t have that either. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But I probably won’t because that would make my life too easy.

I think this year I’m going to do something different and make non-resolutions which might be more appropriate to my life-situation. Like, for example, I non-resolve to try to wake up before noon anymore. That’s a double negative (in its’ way) so it makes the resolution nullified, as if it were opposites day.

So, without further a don’t (get it?) here are my New Year’s NON-resolutions.

I non-resolve to lose weight.

I non-resolve to not be a flake.

I non-resolve to date men who are successful and worthy of me.

I non-resolve to take showers every day.

I non-resolve to not be poor anymore.

I non-resolve to get a corporate job.

I non-resolve to love my enemies.

I non-resolve to forgive Kurt Metzger for fucking my ex-dear friend, Gina Savage.

I non-resolve to be less selfish.

I non-resolve to take better care of myself emotionally, physically, mentally.

I non-resolve to quit smoking.

I non-resolve to be a better person.

WOW - holy shit. I feel so much better right now. Phew. I made all these non-resolutions in earnest and I really believe I am going to stand by them. I’ve got a good feeling about this year! Zippidee-whee!

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