My New Year’s Resolution Is To Not Make Any More Resolutions
by Jessica Delfino
I am not making any resolutions this year because every time I make a resolution I fail miserably at keeping it.
Resolutions are for people with time and money. I have no time, I have no money. You know what I do have? I have some shitty thrift store clothes and a second hand guitar. I have a couple of zany newspaper boy caps and a few sweat stained tee-shirts. I have a small apartment filled with things I found in the garbage. And as far as time goes, shit, I don’t have that either. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But I probably won’t because that would make my life too easy.
I think this year I’m going to do something different and make non-resolutions which might be more appropriate to my life-situation. Like, for example, I non-resolve to try to wake up before noon anymore. That’s a double negative (in its’ way) so it makes the resolution nullified, as if it were opposites day.
So, without further a don’t (get it?) here are my New Year’s NON-resolutions.
I non-resolve to lose weight.
I non-resolve to not be a flake.
I non-resolve to date men who are successful and worthy of me.
I non-resolve to take showers every day.
I non-resolve to not be poor anymore.
I non-resolve to get a corporate job.
I non-resolve to love my enemies.
I non-resolve to forgive Kurt Metzger for fucking my ex-dear friend, Gina Savage.
I non-resolve to be less selfish.
I non-resolve to take better care of myself emotionally, physically, mentally.
I non-resolve to quit smoking.
I non-resolve to be a better person.
WOW - holy shit. I feel so much better right now. Phew. I made all these non-resolutions in earnest and I really believe I am going to stand by them. I’ve got a good feeling about this year! Zippidee-whee!