LIVE FROM THE PAGES OF MY DIARY

by Jessica Delfino

I’ve been meaning to do this for awhile. I have journals dating back to freshmen year in high school. I used to have journals as far back as when I was in 6th grade, but a boyfriend and I got into a fight one time because of my evil young-hearted debauchery (I didn’t know how to be a good girlfriend at age 15 and often got into trouble with the local town losers which also lead to things like me getting drunk and making out with boys who were not my boyfriend.) I was afraid he was going to read my journal and find out details about my wrong doings, so I burned all my diaries in the fireplace one night. STUPID. I still miss them all - the little puffy-covered heart- patterned book that kept all my 12 year old secrets in tact, the blue and black actual flannel plaid book that detailed my first make-out session with a boy, the blue book with the kitty on the front where I discussed in depth my first period and parents divorce, a little bullshit lock on the front to keep trespassers out.

Rich jewish kids have psychiatrists. Poor black kids have massive extended families. Middle-class white kids have journals.

In addition to having a bunch of diaries detailing private thoughts and occurences, I have dozens of comedy journals filled with jokes, sketches, bits, comics I hate and stuff like that.

I am going to start occasionally putting up random pages from my private journals. Sometimes they will be from my diaries, sometimes from my comedy journals. Some entries are insightful, some entries are funny, some entries are stupid. They will not be edited to make me look cooler or better or read in advance to see if they are too boring or x-rated. They will be straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak. And then, I will analyze them, tear them apart, or what have you. OK, here goes with episode #1.

DIARY

AUG. 30th, 2002 Friday

I haven’t kept a journal for a while. I’ve been performing stand up comedy so I write all my thoughts lately in joke form and usually in a notebook or napkins or backs of pamphlets or receipts. In the past 8 months (since 2002 began) a lot has happened.

- I broke up with Kurt and have been dating a new guy named Roger.

- My grandfather Resch died, age 82 or 86, around August 18th in Ohio and was buried in NJ.

- I moved out of my Astoria apt.

- I got a job as a nanny which I also got fired from. June 15th to the beginning of August. I lived there in my own mini apartment, 96th and Park. (1220 Park.) The family was very rich.

- I saw Sarah Silverman’s one woman show. I was an usher and had my photo taken with her.

- I got attacked in my car on 46th and 8th Ave. Not my car, Walid’s Montero.

- I became good friends with Liz Laufer.

- I got a job writing @ MTV on the TV show, “I Bet You Will.” I got it from being @ 205 for Comedy Kabob while the producer, Morgan was there.

- I was an extra in Dave Chappelle’s TV pilot for Comedy Central which I got through Neil Brennan.

- I bought and sold an old Volvo station wagon.

- That’s all the major stuff I can think of.

Lately, I’ve been smoking and drinking a bunch, also smoking weed. I’ve been going to the Hamptons every weekend almost to Amagansett with Roger or other friends. I got a great tan this past summer and have lost 15 lbs. which is slowly creeping back up on me. I’ve been jogging in Central Park but am starting to get bored and/or lazy.

Messages received today:

* Chris Siemasko - he lives in Manhattan now with Mary. He said “duh” in his message. George Lowry is having a birthday party.

* Jeri Metzger - calls me all the time, tries to get me and Kurt back together.

* Kurt Metzger - he calls me a lot, too.

* Kurt again.

* Liz Laufer - My new best friend.

* Kurt Metzger

* Kurt Metzger

* Kurt Metzger

* Kurt Metzger

RECAP: Well, you may have noticed from the previous entry that I am a list keeper. It is a neurotic habit I’ve had all my life and it only gets worse as I get older. I can’t even go to the bathroom without listing what I’m going to be doing in there. My bathroom to do lists look like this:

1. Number 2.

2. Number 1.

Just kidding, ha ha ha. But not about being a neurotic list keeper.

Also, it’s nice to see that I keep track of somewhat important details, such as how old my grandfather was when he died and the actual day he died. NOT!

I also think that it’s funny that seeing Sarah S’s show made it to my list of important things that happened to me that year. I used to be star struck. Now, I feel old and I hate everyone.

Also, it’s funny that being an extra on Dave C’s pilot made it to the best things to have happened to me. I can only imagine what Dave C’s list of important year events looks like. But I bet he hasn’t written one. Not in a while, anyway. Also, the fact that buying and selling a Volvo station wagon made it to my list of important events is really sad. Really sad.

Then, I listed all the messages I’d received on my cell that day and wrote a little blurb about each person who called me. That’s really weird. I’m weird. I think it’s extra sad when you are so even-keeled that you can calmly look back over the pages of your diary and note your faults with both accuracy and separation. It’s like one part of my personality is judging the other half that is doing all the writing. People have told me all my life that it seems like I have two different personalities. Maybe there is some truth to the zodiac, as I am a gemini and supposed to have a split personality, according to the star god or whatever. But I do notice sometimes that I am different than other times. Oooh, that was brilliant. It is simply no wonder that my writing gets such praise.

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