NUDIE ON THE UKIE
No clothing required!?
I auditioned today for a TV show on a major network, thanks to a friend’s referral. They wanted me to play a ukulele song in the buff. I went in and auditioned for the part, playing the song totally clothed, this time around. I don’t mean to dislocate my arm patting myself on the back, but, even though I barely knew the song and had only just learned it, and didn’t have it memorized 100%, I sorta nailed the audition. The casting agent was very sweet and friendly, and I left feeling really good.
As I walked through midtown, the outfit I was wearing which was a cute 40s-esque looking get up with a yellow dress that fell to my knees, a pink hat with a feather in it, and fishnet tights attracted lurkers. I guess people see fishnets and they think there’s free fish around.
A coupla creep-os tailed me down 8th Ave, so I went into a clothing store and pretended to be really absorbed by the 2 ugly tee shirt for the price of 1 sale. One grubbo even had the audacity to hang out on the other side of the plate glass window, watching me, so I instinctively gave him a stern “neck slicing” motion meaning, what? Cut it out? Don’t make me slice you? I guess both. I followed that up with a harsh finger to the left movement and mouthed the words “Move on”. He caught my drift, nodded, and scuffled on to the next poor girl who was unfortunate enough to decide to wear a dress that day.
Once I saw he had motivated onward, I left the store and headed quickly towards the subway. A few more hyenas tried to tag alongside me, but I was in no mood to play, so I tossed a few, “Screw off”‘s and “Leave me alone”‘s around, and the sharks seemed to instantly find better things to do. It was the first time I’ve felt nervous walking down the street in NYC in a long time.
I called a friend once off the subway and discussed the potential nude uke gig. Not that I’m even hired yet at all! But it crossed my mind that if chosen for this role, they are going to want me to deliver my nude bod and a ditty, and I’m going to have to follow through. For some reason, that didn’t really click until after I’d left the audition. A gig is never really booked until the car is there to pick me up. So, what would it hurt to audition, get my name and face in front of a noted casting agent? The worst that could happen is that she might never call me for anything ever. No sweat off my beef curtains. We concocted a list of pros and cons:
PROS
* I get money
* I get LOTS of um, exposure
* I get to play my uke on a major TV show
* You get to see my ta tas (they’re not too shabby if I do say so, myself)
CONS
* I’d be naked on TV — my PARENTS might even be watching!
* I’d be naked on TV — my GRAND PARENTS might even be watching!
* I’d be naked on TV — my sisters, friends, enemies, the goobers who followed me down 8th Ave might be watching!
* I’d be remembered as “that naked ukelele girl”, which has it’s pros, too, sorta?
* Strangers would probably come up to me and be like, “Hey! You’re that naked ukulele girl!” while I’m trying to eat a sandwich or ride the subway.
* I probably wouldn’t get paid much more than enough to buy a large pizza.

I guess first I’ll have to see if they even want me. And then, who knows? Maybe I could actually be talked into a shakin it naked. What do you think? Should I take it all off? Or should I keep it all on?
Leave a comment below with your feedback — and be niiiice.
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