Gifts For The Nonagenarian Who Has Everything

Hilary Clinton visited the 143-year-old Nelson Mandela in his home in South Africa recently, (yeah, I read!). The story didn’t quite explain why, but I guess she probably visited just because she can. I also imagine that as a politician, visiting Nelson Mandela is a rite of passage, sort of like how driving by Justin Beiber’s house must be for a teenager.

I might also liken it to visiting the Redwood trees of the National Forest, though I doubt it was considered appropriate for Hilary to count Nelson’s forehead wrinkles. Not cool, Hilary, not cool.

Whenever I go to visit a nonagenarian, I come bearing gifts. It’s just what I do. But what do you bring an ancient world leader, hero and Nobel laureate when you go to his house? Fancy towels? A crown and scepter? Lobster rolls? Perhaps you’d do something thoughtful, like write him a haiku. Kittens never make good gifts, but pictures of them hanging from things with uplifting sentiments always do.

Here are a few other suggestions of gifts that Hilary could have brought Nelson Mandela from the USA.

Choco Taco: OK, so basically, a Choco Taco is – yeah – a chocolate taco. It has a waffle cone shaped like a taco shell, filled with low fat vanilla ice cream inside as the “meat”. It’s also got fudge swirled inside and peanuts and a milk chocolate coating on top, which I believe is supposed to resemble the “salsa” of the taco. It’s made by Klondike, and was invented in Philadelphia, of course. That city is really good at putting out disgustingly delicious foods. If she’d rolled up with a C.T., the world would have been able to say, “Maybe Choco Taco was “America’s coolest taco”, but that title now belongs to Hilary”.

Honorable mention food items: Maple Syrup, Loaf of Wonder Bread, Cheese steak, Chimichanga, Nathan’s Hot Dog, Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion

NY Yankees Baseball cap: So this one’s a no brainer, as in, if you wear a NY Yankees Baseball cap for too long, little known fact: it actually reduces brain cells. Even a loosely fitted cap slowly sucks the knowledge out of your brain. Don’t believe me? Google it. But when you’re an antique super leader, what do you need a brain for? You did all the stuff your brain needed to do, and now it’s time to relax with a baseball cap on. Plus, all politicians wear NY Yankee’s Baseball caps. See: Bloomberg, Giuliani, Clintons, etc.

Honorable mention clothing items: Dashiki from Times Square, I Heart NY tee shirt, a pair of thong undies that say “Yummy” on them, Superman’s cape, Matthew Lesko’s Question Mark Suit, Harry Connick Jr’s hair piece

Monopoly: As American as apple pie, Monopoly makes a great party gift. If you show up at any world leader’s home toting Monopoly under your arm, you’re in, it’s as good as a press pass. For those of you who think visiting Nelson Mandela is just for the Clintons, you’re wrong. Get yourself a Monopoly board game, which by the way comes in many different and uniquely American versions, such as American Express, Garfield or Nascar, and hop a plane to South Africa. Frankly though, with the recent outbreak of ebola even in far away Uganda, I might just stick the ol’ board game in the mail with Nelson’s Address on it – I’m sure if you write “Nelson Mandela, South Africa” it will get to him — or maybe print out a photo of Nelson, hang it on the cork board, give it a salute and call it good.

Honorable mention board games: Yahtzee, Computer solitaire, Angry Birds, American Idol Monopoly, Transformers Monopoly, Hawaii Monopoly, Chevy Corvette Monopoly, Coca Cola Monopoly, Best Buy Monopoly

If Hilary had brought any of these gifts with her, the story would have gotten much more international coverage, which was probably a large part of the reason for her visit in the first place. So, Hilary, next time you go to visit a foreign dignitary, call me.

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