Today I will cover two important topics. For starters, I will discuss how my rich relatives don't give me any money. Second, I will address how I'm not rich, even though I have lots of rich friends and relatives, you know, like the expression says I should be. Let's do this.

Someone just told me that if you drink soda, it deteriorates your bones, and then you just pee out bits of your bones. I don't know if this is true or not but why did she have to tell me that? Now I can't even take a pee without crying because I'm sad that I'm peeing my innerframe away, not to mention all the imaginary pain I'm in. Supposedly when you get old, that's when it's the worst. So, one day I'll just be a mushy fleshwalker and I'll fall apart, leaving a floppy mountain of skin on the ground. Then I'll die. Great.

The fact that I'm going to get old and deteriorate is only one of the millions of reasons that I have to get rich really soon.

My friend is going to be a millionaire in a few weeks. I am very excited because he's going to be rich and he's my friend, my very good friend, probably one of my favorite people, and did I mention really sweet and kind and caring and just a perfect example of a human man? But he won't be my first millionaire friend. Another millionaire I know is this guy from Europe who came here with $7 and a dream or whatever, washed dishes for a few years and then had a few good ideas that materialized themselves into big houses and BMW's and Mercedes and snookers tables and fancy watches. Now he's living elevated upon the dog and no more dish washing, not by hand, anyway!

I could go on and on listing all my millionaire friends of which I have a million, but that's not what I feel like doing right now. Instead, I'm going to take a break from that and list a few wealthy relatives.

My step-dad is a wealthy man, both in dollars and pubic hair. He started a lobster wholesale business amongst the rocky coast of Maine and it fared him well. My grandfather is a millionaire a few times over. He made his fortune in the stock market. He has tennis courts for his tennis courts.

But look, you - don't covet my relatives, neither one of them give me money or support my endeavors. I might as well have a poor dad and a poor grandfather, they'd probably be more generous. I haven't asked for help that many times, but the few times that I have, I've heard the same old hokey pokey. "If I give you money, then you won't respect yourself because you didn't earn it yourself." Noted. Consequenes accepted. Can I have some money now, fellas?

You might be thinking, "Hey, why should your step dad give you any money? And I answer by writing: Now listen here, you. He's not just some guy who married my mom, moved in, humped her for a few years and then took off. First of all, they bought a house together. Second, he humped her for ten years. Third, she left him. It's very important that you understand those details. I got spanked by him, I mowed the lawn, I shoveled snow, I was his intensive little softball project, he pushed me off a boat when I was 8 and chipped one of my adult front teeth disfiguring my smile until I worked at Banana Republic when I was 22 and got dental insurance to pay for it to get fixed, (pure porcelain, baby!) he made me eat seafood for dinner every night, and then when he and my mom got divorced he kicked me out, so listen up! It was no bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios being the only step daughter, what with my step sister constantly reminding me that she was daddy's favorite because she was his real daughter, and my step dad standing behind her saying, yeah! OK, this is getting a little bit off topic and too close to what was the only home I knew.

The bottom line is, fuck you. I deserve money. I'm not asking for a lot, just a few bucks here and there, maybe a computer or a car, or both. Seriously, I don't even care that my dad and grandfather haven't given me any money. Even though my grandfather's a dick for saying it, I'll say it, my grandfather's a dick, he was right about me feeling better about myself if I made my own money. Still, he could have tossed me a few fivers now and again.

The bottom line is this: Why does the expression about how you should hang out with rich people and you'll be rich too not apply to me?

Cause you know what? I hang out with rich people, god dammit.

And I'm not rich !